So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
