a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
