i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
