saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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