it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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