I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
