If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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