My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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