Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
