The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
