The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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