it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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