How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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