I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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