Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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