WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
