fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
