You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
