Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
