Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
