So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
