U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
