so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Someone came in the potted fern
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
