I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
