Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
