Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
