I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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