you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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