a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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