I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
