my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
