They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
