I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
