Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
third nipple confirmed
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
