Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
