I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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