thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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