Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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