I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
im holly from the hills drunk
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Randomize
