dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
