your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
