I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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