You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
