I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
