I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
