How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
