I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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