I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
