I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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