I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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