my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
