My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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